It's Sunday>>>

my grandma died last monday.
it was a great loss.
but.
i dont know why i feel relieved
maybe because...
her sufferings are now over.
she cant feel any pain now.
on the other hand,
i still cant believe that she's gone
i often imagine her walking outside
as healthy as she was before
even looking at her body inside that coffin
i wish she would wake up
but...
yes, i need to go back to the reality that dead people
cant go back to life.
its a sad facr
but its a fact, and someday, i'll end up dead as well
and if God permits,
i hope i wont have the same fate as my grandma
becaUse i am so weak
and i would probably ask my doctor to do
euthanasia... i cant stand pain
i adore my grandma,,
her courage, bravery, passion and will..
i hope i have all of those...
for the sake of her memory..
i will try to change, no! i WILL change
it wouldnt be instant,, it takes time.. but i'll do my best

honestly, i'm pretty scared right now
there are so many... outbreaks of fatal diseases
and worse, there are no know cure for those things
oh god! how i hated EBOLA!! and all influenza viruses!

its 3 in the morning, havent slept because i dont have a place
to lie down
all the beds are occupied by visitors and far-away relatives. lol
seriously, i am so effin tired, my body cant stand a day without sleep
my eyes hurts and my head aches
i wish i could go back to my room
with my only bed, mini tv and dvd player
and a book shelf!

i have to retire for now, i just cant take the light anymore..
i need to succumb in the darkness...
where i belong, no!
where i want to belong...