i learned the hard way

i never experienced or let say,, i never really felt poverty before. i lived a happy and luxurious life, well provided by my family and fanancially stable. but right at this moment, no.. when i entered the life of a grown up, i realized that there is more than just living.
the pain of living is excruciating and i know how it feels to die. i am dying, metaphorically speaking. when i was younger, i thought that life could never more sweeter than ever, but i didnt know,, there is an existing hell in the world of the living. my parents are doing anything they can to provide us, but i dont know if they can, especially that im in college already and my demands are fairly huge, and also, my brother is growing and in time, he will be just like me... i dont have much of a choice, since im a graduating student already, i cant have them ruined my education. and so i went to apply for a job. i am a student assistant at our school, my salary wasnt pain to me but will be deducted to my tuition fee. it sucked but i dont really mind. i want to finish school. i want to stop their suffering. i dont want to be a burden to my family.
i have big dreams, high hopes... and yet... i dont know if i can really actualize them... wishing to be rich and successful isnt really sinful. i want to be rich and i want to give my family the life they deserve. its hard, i know its really hard but someday, i know i will be the kind of person i want myself to be. and live the life i always dreamed of living.

i am home

after the tragedy,
we are forced to move on because that is the only reasonable thing to do
we started some business...
and for now, it occupies us most of the time
we are quite busy, even me...
i do the inventory part and the financial statements
its growing and am happy about it
we already made a big profit on from our first business
and its called "pautang"
one thing that makes it safe and profitable is that.. the collection of the receivables are fix...
because our collector was my aunt,, who by any chance was the accountant and in-charge of the payroll of our target market.. PKI.
our profit was 50% of our investment, and we are going to have a profit sharing by christmas!!
i hope grandma was still here to witness this!
the other business is composed of electrical stuffs and other hardware materials commonly used in the household! my grandpa was the one in-charge in that business and my aunt was the one who supply the capital! we had a good start! and people are getting news from our customers. sooner or later, they will know our place and come to us. and hopefully, become our loyal customers.

i grew up

i woke up early. i really have to. my clas starts at 10:30 am and i have a travel time to the city of 1 and a half hour. but this time, its different. my grandpa had some business at SSS so he had to go the city. i hitched. another thing was the news about strike. i really dont get it. people complaining about oil! why would the government accept that invention.. the one that replace oil with water!! we passed by a lot of people, waiting for jeepneys... and i thought to myself. damn i'm lucky to have this life! but yeah.. its not a perfect life.
i arrived at school around 9:44 and i was too early for my class. it turn out that we dont have any class at all because there are no electricity in our lab! dammit!
my bestfriend and i went to have lunch at mcdonalds! we love to eat and frenchfries!!^^
the only thing that makes my day was my time spent with my friend and XUCLA... i love my job! this time, its not about the money, its the place itself and the people working in their too!! i love working with lawyers.. they are amusing kind of people! amazing it is!

It's Sunday>>>

my grandma died last monday.
it was a great loss.
but.
i dont know why i feel relieved
maybe because...
her sufferings are now over.
she cant feel any pain now.
on the other hand,
i still cant believe that she's gone
i often imagine her walking outside
as healthy as she was before
even looking at her body inside that coffin
i wish she would wake up
but...
yes, i need to go back to the reality that dead people
cant go back to life.
its a sad facr
but its a fact, and someday, i'll end up dead as well
and if God permits,
i hope i wont have the same fate as my grandma
becaUse i am so weak
and i would probably ask my doctor to do
euthanasia... i cant stand pain
i adore my grandma,,
her courage, bravery, passion and will..
i hope i have all of those...
for the sake of her memory..
i will try to change, no! i WILL change
it wouldnt be instant,, it takes time.. but i'll do my best

honestly, i'm pretty scared right now
there are so many... outbreaks of fatal diseases
and worse, there are no know cure for those things
oh god! how i hated EBOLA!! and all influenza viruses!

its 3 in the morning, havent slept because i dont have a place
to lie down
all the beds are occupied by visitors and far-away relatives. lol
seriously, i am so effin tired, my body cant stand a day without sleep
my eyes hurts and my head aches
i wish i could go back to my room
with my only bed, mini tv and dvd player
and a book shelf!

i have to retire for now, i just cant take the light anymore..
i need to succumb in the darkness...
where i belong, no!
where i want to belong...