Real Demons

just finished watching 'a haunting in connecticut'. i love the movie really, its some sort of a documentary. it began with Paul being diagnose with a cancer, didnt say what kind of cancer though. so the Parker family's funds are diminishing due to his medication. they live in.. correct me if my wrong, New York. because Paul's operations are seemingly available in Connecticut, the family is forced to transfer to Connecticut. Paul's mom, Karen found a house that they would rent and it took her so long before she finally found it. unfortunately, what she found wasnt just any ordinary house. she soon found out the history of the house when she and her husband transfered their things for the first time. they visited the basement, hoping to transform it as a room for their two sons. when they reach the basement, they found a room with some equipment. they checked the equipment and realized that its actually used in draining blood from dead people. the house is a morgue, a funeral home back then. Karen was... she was... i dont know, she seemed upset though and her husband was comforting her. i think if they still have the resources, they would probably transfer to another house but their funds arent enough especially with Paul's medication going... so they decided to keep the history of the house from their children.
Paul was the first one to arrive in the house. by the time he got in, he already felt the demonic atmosphere of the house and asked his mom that they should leave the place but his mom wouldnt listen to him.

do i have to believe

heaven? hell? the absolute? the devil? tell me if they are really real! i want to know. my faith i my god is slowly falling apart. i wanted to have a reason to believe. i want to hope that he will be our salvation. but then. i dont think my faith is as strong as my family's. forgive me lord.

i learned the hard way

i never experienced or let say,, i never really felt poverty before. i lived a happy and luxurious life, well provided by my family and fanancially stable. but right at this moment, no.. when i entered the life of a grown up, i realized that there is more than just living.
the pain of living is excruciating and i know how it feels to die. i am dying, metaphorically speaking. when i was younger, i thought that life could never more sweeter than ever, but i didnt know,, there is an existing hell in the world of the living. my parents are doing anything they can to provide us, but i dont know if they can, especially that im in college already and my demands are fairly huge, and also, my brother is growing and in time, he will be just like me... i dont have much of a choice, since im a graduating student already, i cant have them ruined my education. and so i went to apply for a job. i am a student assistant at our school, my salary wasnt pain to me but will be deducted to my tuition fee. it sucked but i dont really mind. i want to finish school. i want to stop their suffering. i dont want to be a burden to my family.
i have big dreams, high hopes... and yet... i dont know if i can really actualize them... wishing to be rich and successful isnt really sinful. i want to be rich and i want to give my family the life they deserve. its hard, i know its really hard but someday, i know i will be the kind of person i want myself to be. and live the life i always dreamed of living.

i am home

after the tragedy,
we are forced to move on because that is the only reasonable thing to do
we started some business...
and for now, it occupies us most of the time
we are quite busy, even me...
i do the inventory part and the financial statements
its growing and am happy about it
we already made a big profit on from our first business
and its called "pautang"
one thing that makes it safe and profitable is that.. the collection of the receivables are fix...
because our collector was my aunt,, who by any chance was the accountant and in-charge of the payroll of our target market.. PKI.
our profit was 50% of our investment, and we are going to have a profit sharing by christmas!!
i hope grandma was still here to witness this!
the other business is composed of electrical stuffs and other hardware materials commonly used in the household! my grandpa was the one in-charge in that business and my aunt was the one who supply the capital! we had a good start! and people are getting news from our customers. sooner or later, they will know our place and come to us. and hopefully, become our loyal customers.

i grew up

i woke up early. i really have to. my clas starts at 10:30 am and i have a travel time to the city of 1 and a half hour. but this time, its different. my grandpa had some business at SSS so he had to go the city. i hitched. another thing was the news about strike. i really dont get it. people complaining about oil! why would the government accept that invention.. the one that replace oil with water!! we passed by a lot of people, waiting for jeepneys... and i thought to myself. damn i'm lucky to have this life! but yeah.. its not a perfect life.
i arrived at school around 9:44 and i was too early for my class. it turn out that we dont have any class at all because there are no electricity in our lab! dammit!
my bestfriend and i went to have lunch at mcdonalds! we love to eat and frenchfries!!^^
the only thing that makes my day was my time spent with my friend and XUCLA... i love my job! this time, its not about the money, its the place itself and the people working in their too!! i love working with lawyers.. they are amusing kind of people! amazing it is!

It's Sunday>>>

my grandma died last monday.
it was a great loss.
but.
i dont know why i feel relieved
maybe because...
her sufferings are now over.
she cant feel any pain now.
on the other hand,
i still cant believe that she's gone
i often imagine her walking outside
as healthy as she was before
even looking at her body inside that coffin
i wish she would wake up
but...
yes, i need to go back to the reality that dead people
cant go back to life.
its a sad facr
but its a fact, and someday, i'll end up dead as well
and if God permits,
i hope i wont have the same fate as my grandma
becaUse i am so weak
and i would probably ask my doctor to do
euthanasia... i cant stand pain
i adore my grandma,,
her courage, bravery, passion and will..
i hope i have all of those...
for the sake of her memory..
i will try to change, no! i WILL change
it wouldnt be instant,, it takes time.. but i'll do my best

honestly, i'm pretty scared right now
there are so many... outbreaks of fatal diseases
and worse, there are no know cure for those things
oh god! how i hated EBOLA!! and all influenza viruses!

its 3 in the morning, havent slept because i dont have a place
to lie down
all the beds are occupied by visitors and far-away relatives. lol
seriously, i am so effin tired, my body cant stand a day without sleep
my eyes hurts and my head aches
i wish i could go back to my room
with my only bed, mini tv and dvd player
and a book shelf!

i have to retire for now, i just cant take the light anymore..
i need to succumb in the darkness...
where i belong, no!
where i want to belong...

it gets lonely

... another night in our house. its just the two of us, me and my papa. its quite boring but i kinda liked it. its raining and i missed my best friend already. we played jamlegend. i just wish there are only good times and bad times never exist!
i got accepted at XUCLA and now i am worried about my paper works! i just hated that part. especially that i have to force myself to go to the DSA. i never liked that department. anyway, i'm really worried! i dont know why.
i just discovered that i have a facebook account and i havent opened it ever! and now i'm catching up with everyone! damn that network! i'd prefer gaiaonline though. i never liked facebook!

About today...

just the usual day. i woke up late in the morning and missed my breakfast. grandma's all over the place and i love her so much. she was being nebulized when i open my damn eyes. i woke up to the sound of the priest preaching about God on the television. its sunday, and it was a mass.
i passed out and next thing i knew i was with my grandma again, trying to accompany her because she needs assistance so badly. she cant walk and she coughs most of the time. she had a lung cancer and i hate to admit it that she wont be with us for long.
today was father's day.. was it is. i didn't even greet my dad at all. my family was there.. we are all there and it was suppose to be fun but we are to busy preparing a private oxygen for my grandma to help her breathe. i assisted my mom on bathing her, and changing her shirts and pants and even helping her to pee. i just cant believe that my grandma's this helpless now. she used to be so active before she got really sick. she's strong and she took care of everything, remembering all the things in the house, she keeps the house and the family from breaking down. my grandma could be rude sometimes, but all people had there share of rudeness. i just dont know if i still beleive in God. its just, i dont get it at all, he's making her suffer! christ! why would he do that?...
am sorry lord but i just dont understand you at all. i just dont.
my cousins' are making annoying noises, screaming over a video game while grandma and i are watching them. then grandma would ask me to put a cover on her, or check if she's sweating. after some time, my grandma wanted to sit on her rocking chair so my uncle helped her stand. then at some point.. she fell asleep and so, we had lunch while she's sleeping. my mom fixed her a.. i dont know what that food's called but it sure doesnt look yummy to me but my mom said my grandma should only eat soft food. when she woke up, finally! she took her medicines and she had lunch, while i was playing with my cellphone.
time runs so fast. my grandpa came home complaining about the prescription about the oxygen materials, no mask and tubes and etc. he brought food! bread and... well, bread. i bathed because its getting late and my papa and i should be going back to the city by 5pm. wasted another 1 hour passing out in the bathroom, dreaming of wonderland! dammit!! got dressed and... went to say goodbye to my family... then i felt a sudden urge to scream... i wanted to cry and hug my grandma and tell her i'm sorry for everything i've done to her in the past, and that i love her, but i just cant,,, there's just too many people around. and i wanted to hud my mom and my brother. i kinda missed them. so, to avoid getting teary-eyed, i went out and breathed several times. and when the feelings gone.. i went back inside. feeling good and not mushy anymore. my grandma gave me a 100php and i told her to keep it but she insisted, so i accepted it. thank you grandma. then i said goodbye.
now i'm staring at my computer writing this stupid blog! and i'm damn miserable.

Money cant Buy everything

oh yes